Monday, October 02, 2006

Food for Political Thought

Conservatives embrace tradition but rarely create it. Their adherence to history is often skewed and always derivative. What's more, their palate is predicated on precedent but authenticity is never on their plate. Take the whole 'Freedom Fries' phenomenon in which the Congressional Cafeterias decided to lodge their chauvinism into the potato as a rebuke to the uncooperative Gallic anti-war sentiment. They were in a tradition best executed in recent memory by the Austrian satirist, Karl Kraus. For thirty-seven years (1899-1936) in the the pages of Die Fackel (The Torch), Kraus lampooned rightwingers, war mongers, opera critics, and an apathetic body politic. He also cooked up new names for various dishes so they would better exemplify the nationalistic tendencies of Middle Europe. "Macaroni" became "Perfidy Noodles," "Ragout" became "Rump-steak." You get the flavor.

Why no one on the political Left has stewed over some meaty euphemisms is beyond me.
However, it is time for Lefty Foodies to recuperate its lost tradition. Here are some examples to baste the flanks of your imagination:

"Buffalo Wings"--> "Bagdad Boondoggles"

"French Fries"--> "Pacifist Potato Piths"

"Porterhouse Steak"--> "Shithouse Surveillance Strip"

"Beef Stew w/ Guinness"--> "Irish Quagmire"

"Empanadas"--> "Duck and Covers"

"White Castle Burgers"--> "Cheap White House Eviscerated Meat Soldiers"
(2,700 burgers pre-made; more to come)

"Spaghetti"--> "Foreign Entanglements" (ak.a. "Disorganized Lines of Battle")

"Baked Alaska"--> "Imperial Ice Cream Disaster"

Thanks for dining.

--Martin Scriblerus